Alienation V/S Independence

As parents we are frequently mentioning "independence" in relation to our children. This term comes up with age-related stages, sleep issues, play issues, learning responsibility, the list goes on. The more I have pondered it, the more I come to realize, what types of independence are actually valuable in young children? They are children, of course they are dependent. Dependent on us, the parents, for almost everything until they move out (and still need us after that!). We are a unit. A family unit.



For example, a baby is dependent on us for absolutely everything. This changes slightly when they are about 2, when they might play on their own a bit, and participate in some of their own self-care. As they get older they are able to walk, feed themselves, dress themselves, toilet on their own, and even drive when they turn 16. In general, however, they need their parents or family unit until they are ready to enter the world and create a family culture of their own....an extension of the one they already have.



This brings me to a very personal subject, one which I am very passionate about. Co-sleeping. Early on with my first child I began co-sleeping with him. It was right for both of us. I was exhausted and he was a demanding eater due to his large size (tall and lots of muscle, very big for his age....one doctor even mentioned "gigantism" could be a possibility....don't worry, he's not a giant, she was just an inexperienced fill-in doctor who was shocked by his size at the time). Anyway, I was so torn over the negativity in the U.S. culture regarding co-sleeping. I read every book I could find on the subject, and finally found peace with my decision, even though it felt 100% right at the time (and still does). I also have to thank my husband on that issue. He went along with this arrangement, despite the addition of another person in our bed. He has supported it, and it works. I truly believe our son is a balanced, loving person because of the nurturing it provided him, and the additional rest made me a better mother (and still does).

This issue flares up in the media. People are debating this STILL here in the U.S. Is co-sleeping safe, does the "cry it out" method damage a child? The debates are constant, and questions endless. An author released a book stating that the "cry-it-out" method raises stress hormones in infants which results in a rainbow of physiological problems. Everyone has an angle and a passionate viewpoint.

My angle is this: If you're attempting to teach a newborn (child under 12 months) to "soothe" themselves to sleep with "training" them, you're making a huge mistake. Very simple.



Young babies are not methodical, manipulative, evil little gremlins who have one wish in life to make you stay up all night. They are driven by their need to eat, be touched, feel loved, feel safe, and feel comfortable. They are human, and like any other human, each one is different. If you have a terrible sleeper, you have to live through it. I speak from experience on this. Open your mind, find a solution for your CHILD if you can, and if you benefit from it too, then you're golden. But to place YOUR OWN NEEDS BEFORE YOUR CHILD'S exclusively without consideration of the effects is mortifying. Now, my disclaimer in this is that these books and techniques are marketed in a much less harsh manner than simply allowing your baby to cry for hours by themselves. There is a technique, but many people actually DO just allow their baby to cry alone for extended periods. We have to steer away from the culture of "finding a solution" for everything that doesn't accommodate us.

I will never forget, I was flipping channels one day. Oprah was on, the subject was "Confessions of Mothers" or something like that. I was shocked when a woman via webcam confessed that she would place her babies in their crib and go out on the deck with her husband and have a glass of wine every night and she didn't care if the babies screamed. Everyone laughed in the audience. I wanted to vomit. I cannot remember every detail of the description she gave, but you get the idea.

Anyone who has recognized that the Ferber (cry it out as everyone calls it) method is sick and twisted is a good parent in my mind. There is nothing anyone can tell me EVER that will make me feel otherwise. Don't get me wrong, many wonderful parents have read this book and applied the techniques with positive results, but at what cost? In this process of gradually increasing the time in which you DON'T respond to your baby's cries at night (hoping they will fall asleep on their own) are you teaching them a form of "independence" (by "self soothing"), or alienating you child emotionally from the family unit of trust and security?

Dr. James McKenna of Notre Dame University has operated a mother-child sleep research department for roughly20 years. His research has been remarkable in that it clearly shows tremendous benefit to co-sleeping (safely) with your children, or at least RESPONDING to their cries at night (you're not spoiling them in other words). It not only seriously reduces the incidents of SIDS (they believe there is a physiological connection during sleep between baby and mother), but it also is crucial in the health of a baby and it's ability to thrive.

Here are some of his research topics:

Maternal Sleep and Arousal During Bedsharing with Infants
Why Babies Should Never Sleep Alone
Infant-Parent Co-Sleeping In An Evolutionary Prospective
I firmly believe that we are on a trend of alienating our children, NOT teaching them independence. We push them to do as much for themselves as quickly as possible so that our adult lives are easier.



Examples of this alienation include:

Forcing potty training
Forcing clothing one's self
Forcing table manners
Forcing strict scheduled meal times
Forcing sleep "solutions"
Forcing academic achievements

With babies and young children you are essentially breaking the bond of trust. This bond is delicate and may never be restored. The first few years of life are essential for children to learn what emotions are, how to deal with them, how they will function in relationships and love, developing compassion, self-esteem, and autonomy of their physical self.

Tonight I was watching my son and husband on the couch together. They were snuggling (a nightly ritual before bed). There is such a tremendous emotional intimacy between them. They way my son says "Daddy" with such sweetness, he looks to his father for comfort and a feeling of safety. It is remarkable that our child can be so close to us. He knows we are there for him. We protect him, guide him, nurture him, encourage him.

There is much balance in all of this. You cannot treat a 3 year old like a 1 year old. The parents have to evolve their parenting skills to meet the appropriate needs of their child.

We cannot alienate our children in the process of desiring them to be independent. Certain tasks such as dressing themselves or becoming potty trained are milestones of physical ability, not a goal in which demonstrates their "independence."

Attunement:


Studies are beginning to come out which strongly demonstrate that the more a parent responds to a baby's needs during their various moods (cries, physical discomfort, hunger, joy, playfulness, needing to be comforted, etc.), the healthier they become emotionally later in life.

An example, my daughter is now 13 weeks old. When she wakes in the morning, I immediately sit up and rub her tummy. She sings. The sounds that come from her little mouth are amazing. It is as though she is singing with joy to see my face, her brother's, and my husbands (if they are in the room too). Her smile is bursting with exuberance. I speak to her back in the same joy, and I see her mimic my facial expressions. When I say "Hi!" in a drawn out manner, she makes her mouth in the same shapes. She is responding to my communication. She also will respond to my moods.

"The ability to understand the thoughts and feelings of others develops remarkably early in infancy. At birth, infants demonstrate an early understanding of the thoughts and feelings of others by sharing emotions with their caregivers. These early affective exchanges subsequently facilitate the development of a more complex awareness of others, such as coordinating and directing the attention of others to interesting things in the world. Thus, the quality of early social relationships plays an important role in guiding the development of how infants understand the minds of others beginning in the earliest months of life." -From "How Infants Come To Learn About The Minds Of Others," Gabriela Markova and Maria Legerstee.

Once again, a resource online, Zero to Three, has some remarkable information on this subject and more in regards to the latest knowledge in the development of children from birth through preschool. This organization should be known to every parent, it has remarkable information. Funny too....today I was in a waiting room reading TIME magazine, and this organization was featured in an article on the very subject of this blog post!

I believe it is urgent that we as parents acknowledge the need for our children to have our attention. Yes, we need to vacuum, cook dinner, fold laundry, go to work, etc. However, they need us to make as much time for them, to respond to their needs. Their need for emotional acknowledgement, eye contact, calm verbal reassurance, comfort in the night, weaning nighttime feedings LATER in infancy, etc are extremely important and should not be rushed for the sake of the parent's comfort. We will raise children who become amazing individuals if we give them this time.

Again, please read this: THE DEVELOPING MIND.